Dreams 2005

20050830 6:15

It is a big dream. Background seemed to be related to the idea of returning to
China or to old home. I had thought of bringing as few as luggage as possible but my grandma (who is dead) somehow asked my acquaintances, including students, classmates, etc. to help with carrying big drunks to be shipped back. Among them there was a long, coffin like container. They carried the trunks to an opening to be filled with stuff. I walked to the long container and found it was filled with water and wine bottles. I asked my grandma, who actually died long before her son, how to carry my uncle's body, since I saw no space there for a body, even though it was coffin like. She said there would be another one. There was an old wooden house in which there was a big wooden trunk . I have this thing now in Beijing. It is an old family trunk. I had thought of abandoning it, but now since there are people helping, I asked someone to carry it out so that I could select the things worth bringing back. I went with two men there. Inside it was dusty, humid and dirty. He lifted the trunk with much strength since it had got stuck to the floor. Then I carried one end and we came to the side of the opening space and put it down. Lifting its lid, I saw a coal stove attached to it still burning without flame. I said to the man : this stove had been burning for five years since I left. Strange enough, the coal was a new one on top. Who would have added coat to it, I wondered. I then went back to the place where the trunk had sit and found there were more things. On the floor were bundles of paint brushes some new. Against the wall was humid cardboard and underneath it was a plastic glass over some old family photos. There was something else beneath the album sheet, but I had the feeling that they were gone because I saw a handsome young man picking things up there, a brownbag shopping bag beside him on the floor. I grabbed some paint brushes saying to him :" I have forgotten the things here." He just busied himself with selecting things there and never said anything. I lifted the cardboard and saw some old family photos of family members, such as my sister in their toddler and teenage years. Really old. One was of the style of the 30's advertising posters. I grabbed them As I uncovered more of the cardboard, I found that many photos were already gone, leaving traces of tearing. Seemed that it was done by my parents and those that were still there were actually abandoned. I hate the idea that I could not bring all the paint brushes away and wondered when I should announce to people outside they were now free. Or should I just leave them there for any lucky one to discover.

Mood tone: subdued sadness.
这是一个很大的梦。背景似乎与“回到中国”或“回到旧家”的想法有关。我原本打算尽量少带行李，但我已经去世的祖母不知怎么地请来了我的一些熟人，包括学生、同学等，帮忙搬运一些要运回去的大箱子。其中有一个很长、像棺材一样的容器。他们把这些箱子搬到一个开口处，准备往里面装东西。
我走到那个长形容器旁，发现里面装满了水和酒瓶。我问祖母——她其实在她儿子去世之前很久就已经去世了——那要怎么安放我叔叔的遗体，因为我看不到里面有放尸体的空间，尽管它看起来像个棺材。她说还会有另一个。
有一间旧木屋，里面有一个很大的木箱。我现在在北京还有这个东西，那是一个老的家族箱子。我原本打算把它丢弃，但既然现在有人帮忙，我就让人把它搬出来，好让我挑选值得带走的东西。我和两个男人一起过去。里面又脏又潮，还满是灰尘。他费了很大力气才把箱子抬起来，因为它已经和地板粘在一起了。然后我抬着另一端，我们把它搬到开口空间的旁边放下。
打开箱盖，我看到里面连着一个煤炉，虽然没有火焰，却一直在燃烧。我对那个人说：“这个炉子从我离开后已经烧了五年了。”奇怪的是，上面的煤还是新的。我心想：是谁给它添的煤呢？
然后我回到箱子原来放置的地方，发现那里还有更多东西。地上有一捆捆画笔，有些还是新的。靠墙放着一块潮湿的纸板，下面压着一个塑料杯，罩着一些旧的家庭照片。相册纸下面似乎还有别的东西，但我有种感觉，它们已经不在了，因为我看到一个英俊的年轻人在那里翻找东西，他旁边地上放着一个棕色的购物纸袋。
我抓起一些画笔，对他说：“我把这些东西忘在这里了。”他只是专心挑选东西，一句话也没说。我掀开纸板，看见一些很旧的家庭照片，比如我姐姐小时候和青少年时期的照片，非常老。其中有一张是30年代广告海报风格的。我把它们抓了起来。当我继续掀开纸板时，发现很多照片已经不见了，只留下被撕走的痕迹。似乎是我父母拿走了，而剩下的其实是被遗弃的。
我很难过，因为我无法把所有画笔都带走。我在想，什么时候该告诉外面的人这些东西现在可以随便拿了？还是干脆就把它们留在那里，让某个幸运的人去发现呢？
整体的情绪，是一种压抑的、淡淡的悲伤。